I am a naturally stressed out person. As long as I can remember, I have extensively overthought specific details of past conversations or future schedules. The day before school starts is undoubtedly no exception. Every year, I always come up with a reason to be overly concerned.

Freshman year, I was coming from Catholic school, so naturally, I was terrified of…basically everything. Mainly, I was questioning my ability to make friends and to find my way around the school.

Sophomore year I took my first AP class, so I was mostly worried about my AP summer work, and I was continually debating whether or not it was good enough. 

Junior year I was driving to school for the first time, so I was contemplating my parking abilities. I also experienced a tad bit of sophomore year nostalgia because I was unsure if my AP work for my two classes was sufficient. 

Senior year I was worried about everything, but it was unlike the fear I experienced freshman year. Freshman year I was scared about the social aspect (will I be able to make friends? Will my teachers like me? What if I can’t make friends and my teachers don’t like me) more so than anything else where senior year I was scared about the logistical aspect (what will a typical class look like? What if my internet can’t handle it?). Sure, there was some remnant of freshman year fear in me, but that wasn’t the bulk of it. After four years, you’d think I would be the calmest because I know what to expect, but no. From the moment school ended to it starting again, I had questions, granted different types and amounts, but they were there nonetheless. Four years ago, I never thought this would be my senior year reality. 

I worry that I won’t be able to properly connect this year with both the people and the class material. To me, the people on my screen are like characters on a show that I watched one time. I vaguely remember their faces and maybe their names, but nothing more. The classwork and homework seem like I am just checking some box on a checklist of things the government requires that I know. I don’t feel like I am learning anything. I hope time and repetition can fix these two problems. 

One thing time and repetition can’t fix is the sense of FOMO I have looming over me. I just know that this immense feeling will only intensify when Homecoming and maybe even Prom are canceled. Not only am I missing out on the significant school events, but also the minor ones. Football games aren’t even happening until the spring, and when they do, spectators won’t be allowed in. Homecoming parade probably isn’t happening, so I won’t get to relive the bonding experience of sitting too close to a stranger on a bus in 90+ degree heat. The simple things like driving to and from school with friends or walking to class or eating lunch in our cafeteria are the things I sincerely miss right now. Sure, waking up two hours later than I usually would is great, but that isn’t the type of thing I am going to remember in years from now. 

I could sugarcoat this and tell you some vague positive quote that you’d read on a greeting card at Walgreens, but I just find that to be hypocritical. I am sad that this is my current reality. I am sad that this is how I am spending my senior year. And to tell you not to be sad is just fake. 

High school is about making memories, and I am not making any worth remembering right now. And I think that is the tragedy of my senior year.