This article was part of Stargazer’s April 1, 2024 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.
In light of the overwhelming support and effectiveness of the wellness and belonging monthly surveys, D303’s school board has released a statement announcing the introduction of an extra survey to be taken daily by every student. Aiming to prioritize student voice and opinion, the survey will be taken in a separate “efficacy” class period alongside regular academic classes.
“We just can’t believe how much people love these surveys — it’s amazing,” said a very important board member. “We seriously cannot risk a single grievance going unheard.”
Capturing what students “really think,” the new survey provides three multiple choice questions and one short answer to be completed on paper in a 379 minute period, accommodated by shortened academic classes and regular six-minute passing periods.
“We’re aiming to maintain a healthy balance of time here. It would be ridiculous to infringe on students’ education, and we’re trying to be as mindful as we can,” said another important decision-maker.
Due to the overwhelming positive change resulting from the current student surveys, the board has high hopes that the public will support their notion. However, there will be conflict when existing Panorama surveys must also be taken, infringing on the new day’s plan. As of right now, valuable survey time might have to be sacrificed for other important feedback.
“It’s hard, but we need to cover all our bases and be aware if even a single student does not feel welcomed. Otherwise, they might feel like we aren’t listening,” said an absolutely vital board member.
All in all, it is clear that this revolutionary introduction of the student voice will bring unprecedented growth to our community. Someone even predicted that as early as one year in the future, we may see a 100% increase in student mental health and a total elimination of discourse concerning the school board.
“This may very well be the last decision we ever have to make,” said the most absolutely influential guy. “All we need going forward is to know what everyone thinks; there is no other way to Be Here, Be You, and most importantly, Belong.”
