This article was part of Stargazer’s April 1, 2024 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.
North’s Curling Team gained many members at the start of its season. Curling is a sport played on ice where two teams take turns sliding stones made of granite towards a target, but it seems many students weren’t aware of that.
According to team coaches Bobby Jole and Kruse Sprungstin, some new players thought the club was a curling competition for how much weight you can lift, not for how well you can aim a stone sliding on ice.
“I thought, like, I’d just be workin’ out, lifting, y’know, staying in shape for football ‘n’ stuff,” said Thomas Ruganson, senior varsity athlete and new member of the Curling Team.
The coaches were surprised by the great increase in student interest before realizing that they would have to explain what this club entailed explicitly.
“I never thought I’d have to explain this,” said Jole. “Never in my 20 years of coaching has this happened, and I really don’t know what to do about it.”
While some athletes thought the Curling Team was a weightlifting competition, others joined because they thought it was a hairstyling team.
“I overheard this group of students talking about the upcoming Curling Team season, and I was like, ‘OMG, wait, I curl my hair every day!’” said Stacey Gerrard, freshman. “I do different types of curls too: beach waves, tight curls, kinda tight curls, y’know?”
These students were appalled when they walked into the first day of training with curling irons in their hands and saw the rest of the team running brooms across the floor.
“I was so confused,” said Gerrard. “They were like, cleaning the floor or something? I don’t even know what was going on but I got out of there right away.”
Although many students walked into the team with different expectations, it ended up bringing a lot of people together and adding more members to the team than ever expected.
“I know I did this to stay fit and strong and stuff, but if I’m being honest it’s pretty chill. Like, it’s fun, and it’s something I never thought I would do,” said Ruganson.
As for the girls who joined to curl their hair, they have been deemed official stylists for the team, leading North’s curling team to be the best-looking team in the division.
