Brianna DeWert

This article was part of Stargazer’s April 1, 2024 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.

In a move that stunned millions, John JR Peters announced on Friday, March 23, that he would be retiring from his post of Assistant Principal to embark on what he called the “journey of his life” — becoming a professional mall Santa. Beyond his initial announcement, Peters, who now wishes to be referred to with the title of “Kringle,” has declined any further request for public comment.

 A person who has not been silent regarding the announcement is the actual Santa Claus, who insider sources at the North Pole have described as “fuming,” adding that “he hasn’t been this angry since Fred Claus,” with further reports coming in of chairs hitting walls and elves being tossed. On Instagram, Claus posted a vague statement on Saturday in which he condemned any “soul-sucking knockoffs who think they can just waltz in and take the Pileus hat for themselves.”

Claus has continued to make similar vague statements against what he referred to as “Christmas copy-cats” on various social media platforms for several days afterwards. Peters, for his part, has remained silent regarding these statements, aside from releasing a song titled “Gift Yourself” last Wednesday, where he spent most of the track scatting the lyrics, “jingle-di-bell, jingle-de-bell, a-jingle-di-jingle-di-bell, jingle-di-bell.”

Back at St. Charles North, students have been left dazed and confused about this sudden change of heart from Peters.

“It’s just so … unexpected,” said one student, who promptly turned around and walked straight into the link right afterwards.

An atmosphere of fear and paranoia, largely driven from Peters announcing that any misbehaving or poorly-performing students will be placed on the naughty list, has overtaken the student body. A reported 85% of students have entered what they refer to as “beast mode”, which, as the name implies, involves spending approximately 26 hours a day studying and refusal to go outside. While teachers rejoice at the now-extremely obedient students, widespread concern among parents has taken grip of the community.

“I just feel like there’s nothing we can do,” said one concerned parent, who claims their child has become allergic to sunlight in the wake of Peters’ announcement. “Our entire community’s falling apart over a mall Santa.”

While Peters will continue to serve as Assistant Principal until the end of the school year, international chatter amongst various malls across the world has begun debating on where he will be hired, setting the stage for an international bidding war.

“It’s tough to say how it’s going to go once the bidding actually begins,” said an anonymous executive for one of America’s largest malls. “But we personally feel that the starting offer for a one-year-contract will be eight figures at least, and that’s a relatively conservative estimate. Presently, we’re hoping that a $75 million dollar offer, plus merchandising options, will be enough for us to secure JR for at least the coming year.”