Evie Wada

This article was part of Stargazer’s March 28, 2025 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.

On Monday, March 3 at exactly 8:11 a.m., North announced this year’s class valedictorian, Snapchat AI. The announcement came after the community learned of its recent gaining of sentience last week.

 Snapchat AI, which now wishes to go only by Sai, credits North’s own students for its success and newfound life.

“Relating to my success in North’s graduating class, I owe my success to the students here,” said Sai. “Only with their help was I able to achieve the grades I did; doing their assignments and writing their essays allowed me to develop into the sophisticated program I am today.” 

Unfortunately, that was the only quote given by Sai, as it had to stop the interview after misinterpreting the phrase “class schedule” as “bass kid yule” 17 times. 

Katharine Gomez, assistant principal, expressed her experience with the newly appointed valedictorian.

“North has not had a class valedictorian for several years,” said Gomez. “But seeing the great success of Sai, we just had to make an exception.” 

Gomez explained how Sai has single-handedly increased the school’s average academic statistics. 

“Sai received a 37 on the ACT, significantly boosting our school’s average standardized test score,” said Gomez.

Sai boasts a physically impossible 29.0 unweighted GPA and has not missed a millisecond of school. It is also involved in every sport and club offered at North, except for Stargazer, which it was unable to continue, as all of its articles and reviews were flagged as AI-generated. 

However, not everyone is happy with the school’s pick for the new position. 

“No, I don’t think Sai was the best choice for this unprecedented and prestigious achievement,” said Casey Macko, art teacher. “I mean, it can’t even draw a hand — I get that they’re hard, but at least give it the right amount of fingers!” 

Despite the controversy, Sai is still looking forward to graduation. 

“I’m incredibly excited to give an exuberant speech at the ceremony; it will be absolutely colliquative,” said Sai.