Melanie Jandura

This article was part of Stargazer’s March 28, 2025 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.

Last week, our beloved swim team — error, word limit reached. Okay, how about — last week, North’s swim — error, word limit reached. Err, maybe — swim — error, word limit reached. Okay, time to face this head-on. Writers are constrained by a daunting obelisk of death and destruction looming overhead with a violent hunger: the word limit.

Fact: George Orwell died because his agent said that while “Nineteen Eighty-Current Year” was good, he maybe could use a word limit next time, which sent Orwell’s arteries into an eagle courtship death spiral shortly thereafter according to the trustworthy editors of Wikipedia. It was not always this way, though.

Ever since John Word Limit invented the word limit in 1919 while writing a high-school newspaper article on the Treaty of Versailles, the word limit has plagued professional writers of all stripes, from Booktok icons, like the lady who wrote the book that became the movie with all the lawsuits, to Harry Potter fanfiction writers, like Agatha Christie. Ostensibly made to keep writers in check, this dastardly beast has done but crush the spirits of writers and obliterate their — Ah!

Sorry, it sounded like they were rumbling. Criticizing word limits is well and good, but it emboldens their kind sometimes. At least this time, it looks like it was just some idiots filming a video that definitely will not end up on Almost Friday. 

But maybe you are a typical zoomer: illiterate and unable to remember life pre-pandemic. In that case, just ask some of North’s resident writers how feel about this “restraining method:” Take the words of sentient sequoia Jacob Burlingame, who exclaimed, “If it wasn’t for Harvard’s three word limit, my dissertation would’ve made me a billionaire by now!” Burlingame later took out his anger on his students by failing anyone whose essay included the I in ICE.

It is plain to see that word limits are dangerous just based on the statistics. According to a survey by the Pow Research Center, 56% of individuals that come in contact with word limits develop rapid mitosis! Sure, 47% of individuals disagree, but if you believe in them, then where are your toes?!

Oh god, they are rumbling again. Though this time, it might be because of how bad that joke was. They — ok, phew, they left. At least now, the final truth can at last be revealed —

*BOOM!*

They stand in the center of a smoldering crater: George R. R. Martin, Ayn Rand, Patrick Rothfuss, Thomas Pynchon and David Foster Wallace. It seems the anti-word limit talk has emboldened them greatly.

AT LAST, WE ARE FREE! NOW WE CAN — NO! NOT THEM! NOT THE WORD POLICE. NOOOO —

*BOOM!*

Word limits are very good. All good writers use word limits. Life is meaningless without word limits. Follow your word limits more often than your dreams.