Holly Nguyen-Barba

Seniors Lucia Pastrana and Aubrey Warnicke embracing some floor time.

This article was part of Stargazer’s March 28, 2025 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.

Life can cause a plethora of stress, and it may be challenging to discover the best way to deal with it. Luckily, I have the solution: laying on the floor. While it may sound absurd, laying on the floor has exponential health benefits, mentally, spiritually and physically. With the implementation of floor o’clock, students and faculty will achieve their biggest desires by laying on the floor. 

Simply put, the concept of floor o’clock is outside of the social construct of time. It transcends the bell schedule and passing periods and sends the students and staff into an alternate dimension of the universe where time is not kept. Hours in reality may pass, but once floor o’clock is over, each participant must act as though nothing has happened and use their remaining time of the day productively and efficiently. 

Floor o’clock will be crucial to North students’ well being. Although no one knows why, laying on the floor decreases heart rates as well as lowers blood sugar levels, causing an increase in future productivity and positivity. A study done by Dr. Laydown Brown of the IYLDYWBLSOFBO (If You Lay Down You Will Be Less Stressed Out and Feel Better Organization) showed that 99.99% of the 100 participants walked away from the experiment feeling relaxed and relieved. Each participant laid on the floor for different amounts of time depending on what they needed; some spent five minutes, some spent weeks. 

Spiritually, laying on the floor has benefits towards muscle relaxation as well as recharging the body. Floorence Philips is an expert in this area, with the extraordinarily impressive credentials of laying on the floor every day. 

“When you lay on the ground, you are connecting with the Earth. The world is meant to have a connection to your soul, and when you stand you are weakening your connection,” said Philips. “… Laying on the floor takes away your worries by filling you with the spirit of the land and water, and of the wind and fire, and of the galaxies all around us.”

This being said, laying on the floor also helps with back pain, as it straightens the spine to be a perfect 180 degrees for up to thirty minutes after each session. 

“I wish I layed on the floor when I was in high school,” said Roberta Groundzenweiser, senior citizen. “I have my own heating pad and it doesn’t do a darn thing. You’d think for 30 bucks it would sing and dance too! If I was able to lay down every day and get myself back up I would, so start training now.”

All together, the only downside to floor o’clock is the increasing amount of time spent procrastinating, lack of physical movement and the feeling that you won’t be able to accomplish anything in the time you gave yourself afterwards. These are minor side effects that do not have any lasting impact on your stress levels and should be overlooked when deciding to lay on the floor.