Brianna DeWert

Freshman Max Boehne, Kirra Alvarado and Tori Rohr, sophomore Hailey Chatton and junior Ethan Cozzi were detained yesterday for “conspiring to use sophisticated punctuation.”

This article was part of Stargazer’s March 28, 2025 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.

On Tuesday, North caught the entire class of 2026 using ChatGPT for the same essay about “The Great Gatsby,” causing District 303 to enact tighter artificial intelligence restrictions the next day; students are now banned from using any vocabulary, punctuation, grammar or sentence structures deemed “too complex.”

The new policy forbids the use of certain punctuation such as em dashes and semicolons, as AI chat bots often use them when generating essays. “Large, fancy words” are also banned, both in speech and vocabulary.

“There’s no way a 15-year-old kid knows how to put more than one comma in a sentence, and they definitely don’t know what words like ‘frivolous’ mean,” said a D303 School Board candidate. “After all, who does?”

Some students claim the ban is too vague to follow, especially considering the heightened presence of hidden microphones around school.

“I don’t understand what is or isn’t okay to say anymore,” said Alex Brown, senior and winner of all merit-based scholarships. “[The policy] is insane, and it gives no actual specifics. We don’t even know what the punishments are! Everyone is starting to rightfully extrapolate that this can only end poorly — wait, is ‘extrapolate’ alright to use?”

Brown was immediately dragged out of the interview by their feet and has not been seen since.

A new fear-mongering culture reminiscent of the 1950s Red Scare and McCarthyism is emerging from the ban, causing students to rat out one another in exchange for Celsius energy drinks and their own safety.

“One of my friends snitched on me when she was accused,” said Emilia Cruz, senior. “Even though I’ve never used AI for school or anything like that, I’ve now been blacklisted from taking any AP class ever.”

In protest, North teachers gathered outside the building on Thursday.

“As educators, we’re literally forced to use AI at this point,” said a teacher, who requested to remain anonymous. “The kids shouldn’t be using ChatGPT for all this cheating, but these rules are now suppressing our brightest students. Also, I teach AP and honors classes, and I’ve literally had to cut half of the curriculum.”

Since the ban on March 26, 31% of D303 high school students have either gone missing or have gotten arrested.