Lynn Singh

This article was part of Stargazer’s March 28, 2025 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.

After an explosive 20 student pile-up in the link last week, which resulted in multiple injuries, North is now introducing new traffic control policies to ensure the safety of students and staff on the road. 

“After last week’s accident, it was clear that North’s hallways were just too dangerous to not implement a major change,” said one North administrator. “We figured implementing the kind of traffic control that exists on roadways could reduce risks of the unruly hallways.”

Traffic lights have been installed at the intersections between the link and main hallway and in the main foyer to reduce congestion. Walkers will be expected to remain in their lanes and utilize their signal at least five steps before they plan to turn. New signs also warn that walkers must obey the speed minimum of 2.5 miles per hour.

“I definitely appreciate the concern for safety, but I think there’s still more to be done,” said senior Aston Martin. “I’m still pushing for a protected left turn into the library.”

Many students have embraced the change, even accessorizing to make themselves look like cars. 

“I saw somebody with a ‘Chromebook on Board’ bumper sticker and a guy with a vanity license plate taped to his backpack,” said sophomore Mercedes Benz. “I bought a horn so I could honk at all of the people who pull out in front of me.”

Many have observed North’s dedication to policing these new changes. 

“I’ve already gotten ticketed for texting and walking twice,” said junior Kia Soul. “I don’t know what happens if I get my license suspended, but I really don’t want to find out.”

Confusingly, the new policies have only doubled the hallway congestion, crash and injury rates in the last week. 

“Unfortunately the number of collisions have increased by 100%, so some changes need to be made,” said another North administrator. “We’re considering constructing a roundabout.”