Natalie Hannah

This article was part of Stargazer’s March 28, 2025 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.

Every day, students find themselves in the same, frustrating predicament. Whether trying to access an article for a research project or use links in an assignment, the outcome is often the same: “Looks like this page isn’t allowed.” District 303 often blocks websites or categories of websites for the safety of students; however, many find it to be getting excessive. On March 25, D303 blocked Schoology, causing chaos throughout North.

At exactly 7:23 a.m., realization hit students. It is not certain where the problem was first discovered, because the news spread immediately, reaching 97.39% of the student population at North within 1.87 seconds. Classes turned from learning to panic when they could not access their materials. Teachers rushed to call in about the problem, and so many tried to call that the power went out in the entire building. 

For the following hour, the entire building operated without power. Devastated students and teachers began to mourn, having candlelit ceremonies around Chromebooks. Without access to candles, groups got creative and gathered around circles of burning crayons. The groups wrote and recited poems about their sadness, with one student performing their original piece, “Woe is Me Without Schoology.”

Many students deemed Chromebooks useless without Schoology. The discarded devices were stacked floor to ceiling in hallways, pods and classrooms throughout the building, and charging cords were discarded in trash cans. 

After the initial shock, people began to work on adapting to the change. Without access to Schoology, students were unsure how they could learn. Teachers pulled out textbooks to place in front of puzzled students. 

“It was, like, ancient looking. I didn’t even know those had a use, like, I thought the stacks of them in the classrooms were for decorating or aesthetic purposes or something,” said Ava Glinski, senior. “It didn’t even have a screen.” 

Adapting to the change proved difficult, with the average student dropping 2.63 letter grades in each class. Even the best students would go from an A+ to a low C.  

“Well, the expectations haven’t changed in my class. I still expect them to submit their Schoology assignments on time,” said a frustrated teacher.