This article was part of Stargazer’s March 28, 2025 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.
On Jan. 7, North debuted its newest sport: X-treme Parkour. X-treme Parkour consists of students competing in races through obstacle courses comprised of their classroom’s contents. Student’s wear no protection as they race against their classmates to take first place.
The unfamiliarity of the sport did not deter students from trying out. At tryouts, they had a whopping 111 students show up. Despite this, coach Parkourina ultimately decided that only eight could be accepted onto the team. The eight parkourists took their position seriously.
“I know I am one of the first to ever represent our school in such a way, and I promise I will do whatever cartwheel or flip it takes to win,” said parkourist #5.
“I don’t know what parkour is. I have no idea how I made the team,” said parkourist #2.
To practice, the parkourists meet after school from 2:15 p.m. to 3:24 a.m. The students have to set up their own courses for practice days, often heading to the 437s pod to rearrange the study hall desks. Their practices stay in the pod from 2:15 p.m. to 3:18 a.m., but in order to stay in shape, they hit the weight room for the rest of practice.
“My favorite part of practice is the weight room; I love climbing the TRX bars,” said parkourist #6.
The first tournament took place in the main hallway. Students had to run, jump, flip, roll, shimmy and swing through the course. The course consisted of desks, chairs, teachers, other students, a stack of 52 chromebooks and a phone caddy. Despite X-treme Parkour being a new sport, all of three parents and six teachers lined the halls as the tournament took place. Parkourist #1 lined up, head-to-head, with parkourist #77. To symbolize the start of the match, the coach rang the school bell and the parkourists were off. Parkourist #77 immediately took the lead. He amazingly finished the course in 29.498267 seconds. The crowd was amazed, and the parkourists teammates congratulated him. Parkourist #1 finished the course with a final time of 47 minutes and 28 seconds.
The new sport has been a smashing success. The dedication of the X-treme Parkour team has not gone unnoticed. Coach Parkourina is very proud of her parkourists.
“I predict that if we keep this up, we’ll make it to nationals,” said coach Parkourina.
