This article was part of Stargazer’s March 28, 2025 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.
In a move that stunned exactly two people and one wise horse, Eric Willson announced on March 21 that a professional Willsonball league was in the midst of being created, while simultaneously announcing his retirement from teaching and impending move to Cancún.
Presently the driving force behind the foundation of the National Willsonball Federation is Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, who is partnering with fellow iconic Dallas GM Nico Harrison. When pressed on the reason why he, of all people, has decided to help spearhead this decision, Jones stated, “When you’re 82 years old, you’re going to really start thinking about your legacy a lot and what you can do to cement it, something Jimmy Johnson can never understand.”
Still, questions persist over the viability of Willsonball as a professional sport, mostly due to its strange nature as a hybrid between handball, basketball and football. Already, the Los Angeles team — who inside sources claim will be named the Dončićs, after the Lakers legend of the same name — is rumored to be pursuing a $300 million dollar contract with Lionel Messi, who appears to be receptive since realizing Pulisic is never actually going to be in GOAT contention.
Beyond just the usual doubts that surround the creation of any new sport, pundits have criticized the supposedly low standards for the players of the sport.
“I’m sorry, but I just can’t see how this sport is meant to last any longer than Kyrie’s ACL,” said sports pundit and Tilted Towers resident Stephen A. Smith. “I’m sorry, but the ball is so small, Kwame Brown can catch it! No disrespect, but this is a game for bonafide scrubs!”
After a courtside confrontation with LeBron, however, Smith gave an apology shortly thereafter.
Numerous of the new Willsonball teams have engaged in a pay-to-play strategy in preparation for the incoming inaugural season. The PIF-owned Nashville Oil Wells are the most prominent, with team owner Yasir Al-Rumayyan announcing at the newly constructed Faisal bin Abdulaziz Stadium that they had signed Mathias Gidsel to a $500 million dollar contract over two seasons. The ceremony was disrupted by a group of protesters from local celebrity bars, however, most notably Kid Rock’s Big Honky Tonk Bar & Grill. Unfortunately for them, a group of SAMF officers were present, and the protesters are presently being extradited to Saudi Arabia.
Regardless of minor political roadblocks, the National Willsonball Federation seems poised for great success.
“We’re currently projecting a $2 to $3 billion gross for the league in its first year,” noted an anonymous ESPN employee.
When pressed for comment about his league’s success, Willson himself simply said, “I love it!”
