This article was part of Stargazer’s April 1, 2024 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.
In August 2023, mold was discovered in the mobile units at St. Charles North High School. After a week of schooling, the mobiles shut down. However, students continued to hang out around the mobiles and enter them, despite warnings by the school. In a shocking discovery by Dr. Fungus, North students are experiencing many interesting side effects.
Teachers have noticed that students seem to miraculously disappear when asked a question or as tests are handed out. “It has become a major issue on the campus,” said a concerned biology teacher. “Students are gaining superhuman powers and we can’t figure out why.”
Other notable effects include super speed, the ability to fly, and a sudden urge to run around the hallways singing opera music.
“My friends are worried, but I think the mold is great! I can get to my classes in record time” said Sue Perman.
Interestingly, the speed of students running to their car at 2:29 has increased; potentially related to some of the side effects of the mold.
Yet some students still seem unamused by the newfound side effects, with one stating that it “just seems kinda gross, I dunno,” while another student just hopes that it doesn’t interfere with their upcoming sleeping team competition.
