Teagan Moore

Tyler Moore attempts to use a record player during the Obsolete Tech Test.

This article was part of Stargazer’s April 1, 2024 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.

Forget the SAT, ACT and any other old standardized test you’ve ever taken; District 303 has implemented new standardized testing. Rather than being tested on silly things such as reading or math, students will now be tested on their abilities to do things “the old-fashioned way.” 

The first part of the test is the “Before Technology” section. In this section, students will be tested on their ability to do things without technology. The most important skill in this section is reading a physical map and giving directions. Other requirements include using a wall mounted pencil sharpener, using a phone book, and finding and checking out library books using an actual card catalog.

Students must also communicate with others. They will need to successfully pass notes without getting caught by a teacher, as well as write letters. Letters must be written and formatted correctly, and the envelope must be sealed and labeled correctly. Students must know their full home address. The better this is done, the higher the student’s score. 

The second part of the test is the “Technology” section. Students will be tested on various subjects such as using a landline and a rotary phone, remembering phone numbers, and calling someone without shooting them a text beforehand. They will also be asked to take photos and selfies with a film camera. 

Students also must be able to listen to music in various ways. The test will have different requirements based on age level: elementary schoolers must be able to turn on and use a CD player, middle schoolers must be able to use a record player and car radio, and high schoolers are required to know how to burn CDs. 

These new testing standards will guarantee that students are proficient in the important things in life. Writing, math, none of it will actually get us anywhere in life. When has anyone gotten anywhere good with those skills?  It’s time for students to put down the pesky, useless textbooks and pick up the landline, studying begins now.