This article was part of Stargazer’s April 1, 2024 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.
Approximately 7 hours, 14 minutes and 38 seconds ago, it was discovered that the teachers formerly known as Amie, Andrew, Bethany and Paul Herrera are actually all the same person. Furthermore, the individual, now known as “The Herrera,” has been taking up residence in the large athletic storage closet, where they keep their collection of teaching resources, student artwork and elaborate masks for each of their teacher personas.
When asked why they decided to take 4 different positions at the same school district, they responded, “One job? In this economy?”
But how do they resemble that many visually distinct personas? The Herrera utilizes their doctorate in costume design to masterfully create extremely complex designs.
“I kinda just, you know, hunch sometimes. And I have different costumes for each teacher,” said The Herrera.
They then showed off their collection of dress shirts, skirts and 4 inch foot-shaped stilts they use to appear as four different people.
The Herrera travels from class to class using an elaborate network of underground tunnels, constructed solely from packed mud and cafeteria sporks. In order to teach multiple classes at the same time, they utilize their top “walking with purpose” speed of 437 miles per hour to appear as more than one person at once. “It works pretty well as long as you don’t look too closely at the flickering,” said The Herrera.
Despite having four full time jobs, The Herrera has quite an interesting extracurricular life. The Herrera regularly helps with costumes for the theater department’s productions, and attends a secret staff knitting club.
