Lynn Singh

Senior Stu Dent runs at the speed of light.

This article was part of Stargazer’s April 1, 2024 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.

When AP Physics teacher Maximilian Plank first drafted the Unit 6 test, he did not expect it to lead to one of his students winning the Nobel Prize. But that is exactly what the forty page, three question test led to.

After senior Stu Dent found the velocity of the watermelon in question three was 400,000,000 meters per second, Plank initially marked the question wrong.

“Not only was that not the answer on the key, but the speed of light is only 300,000,000 meters per second and nothing can go faster than that,” said Plank. “But all of Stu’s math checked out.”

Plank told Dent that he must have made a mistake while writing the test, as this would be impossible in real life.

“I didn’t think that was true,” said Dent. “Sure, it was against the laws of physics, but just because something is against the law doesn’t mean it’s impossible.”

So Dent set up a rotating cannon on a rollercoaster that ignores friction and air resistance to launch a watermelon, as described in the problem.

“I did not approve of Stu’s experimental design,” said Plank. “Stu did not repeat the experiment three times to ensure accuracy and forgot to wear safety goggles. Plus, it’s generally not a good idea to make a homemade super-light-speed watermelon cannon and fire it anywhere near Earth.”

Despite Plank’s apprehension, Dent was able to launch the watermelon faster than the speed of light, creating a watermelon time machine.

“It was pretty cool,” said Dent.

After this, Dent decided to break more laws of physics, such as applying a force without an equal and opposite force, not conserving energy, knowing both components of an electron’s spin simultaneously and completing her homework on time.

“Next I waited until December of 2024, so I could get my Nobel Prize. Then I time traveled back here for this interview,” said a second, slightly older Stu Dent.

However, Dent is not without her critics.

“Well according to AP, she’s wrong,” said Plank. “So I still failed her.”