This article was part of Stargazer’s April 1, 2024 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.
Most students enjoy an eight hour school day. However, our very own North Swim Team relishes the amenities found in our buildings 24/7. Following a careful schedule, they utilize every hour of their day at this school.These swimmers are incredibly dedicated to their craft. When asked how they’re able to stay so committed to their sport, they responded:
“I’m here against my will. Please send help,” said swim bro #2. Obviously, their motivations cannot be matched.
Many families do not entirely realize the commitment they make
when they send their children to swim lessons in preschool. Unfortunately when the contract is signed for those lessons, there is a clause that gives their school’s swim team full custody over the children in order to give them the best opportunities to have outstanding meet results. “I have not seen my family in 2 years,” said swim guy #5.
Many may find the system “cruel” and “unusual,” but the swimmers have become accustomed to the schedule.
“I cannot imagine life without this schedule, but maybe that’s because I’ve been living it every day for a year,” said swim dude #6.
The constant practice throughout their days
translates to amazing performances. At their last meet versus East, swim bro #897 swam a 0.07921357 millisecond time on the 100 freestyle. The only times they escape North are meet days and sometimes holidays. Although they are able to roam free, they wear GPS tracking collars so their coaches make sure they are in fighting form when they come back.
The swimmers encourage you to come out to their meets, watch their incredible speeds and “allow them time to socialize.” Their dedication to the sport deserves credit.
