On March 12, 2026, Pae Shient, a senior at North, came home from school feeling very sick. After she kept getting worse and worse, her mother called the doctor, who became intrigued by Shient’s case. Shient was looking greener and greener, and was noted to be staring longingly at the top of her mother’s head. After hours of testing and numerous experiments, the mystery was solved: she was the first coming of the zombie apocalypse, “Patient 0.”
So what did she do the next morning, knowing she could cause something that has been fantasized for years and could literally change the world as we know it? She came to school. Despite the fact that she was, after all, a zombie, reports show her entering the building at 6:55 a.m. like normal. When pressed for an answer as to why, she responded with “Brains. Brainsssssss. I neeeeeed.”
However, when we sat down to interview her mother, Mrs. Shient, we got some clue as to what went down in the decision.
“I remember her telling me about a big calc test,” recalls Mrs. Shient. “She was super stressed about it and had spent the entire weekend and the majority of this week trying to study.”
But Shient’s efforts were in vain. It was revealed by her mom that unfortunately, she failed her calc test. And, she ended up transmitting the disease to the entire school, which resulted in a school-wide lockdown.
“We have everything under control,” said a school administrator. “We are currently monitoring the situation and are quarantining everyone with symptoms.”
As of today, it has been revealed that the administrator was pronounced ill.
Some students are placing the blame on Shient for going to school sick, but she waves it off as much as a zombie can.
“I hadddd to,” she said. “Otherwiseeee I would’veeee faileddddd calc. And I cannnnn’t fail calcccc.”
Sheint’s mom agrees with her, characterizing the “unfairness” of the school attendance policies as one of the reasons why she sent her daughter to school.
“That thing [the attendance policy] literally says that the only acceptable reasons not to go to school are if you’re about to die or playing TAPS at a military funeral. And what high school student gets asked to play TAPS?” she said. “There was honestly never a question that she had to come to school.”
