In a groundbreaking study released this week, scientists have discovered a shocking new side effect of excessive screen time: the sudden development of night vision. The Department of Unusual Health Findings (DUHF) conducted a study with over 300 North participants who spent an average of 12 hours a day glued to their screens, and the results are simply illuminating.
“Initially, we were just looking to address concerns on eye strain and mental health, but what we found has catalyzed an evolutionary and superhuman leap among our student subjects,” said Dr. Dmud Itanimulli.
According to the study, 95% of students who scrolled on TikTok began hanging upside down and scrolling with their clawed fingers.
“We found our subjects scrolling during the day and scrolling late at night with glowing eyes. Anyone who did homework experienced physical pains,” said Itanimulli.
Parents reported that their children began to glow in the dark at night while pretending to do homework.
“I was shocked when I walked into my son’s room, and he was just floating in the air, scrolling through Instagram like a glowing lizard!” said a mother of Detcidda Jr.
Experts in the field of Digital Mythology are now weighing in, speculating that this phenomenon might be a sign of humans evolving to adapt better to our screen-filled lifestyle.
The rising trend of glowing children has sparked a whole new industry. Companies are developing Glow Guard glasses that filter out intellectual words and enhance nocturnal vision.
“We anticipate a future where children wear these glasses at school to navigate classroom darkness and avoid homework,” said Dr. Trecnoc Thgin.
Following the insatiable urge to scroll and the introduction of superhuman abilities, schools begin to shift their programs because they have decided to try teaching children about how to maximise their engagement rates instead of the Bill of Rights.
“I got into Dravrah Scroll Ive League because I had achieved 100 million followers, and got a 100 on the scroll part of the ACT!” said senior Recneuflni Elite.
Parents and educators are left dealing with the results of this study, as they consider how to manage a generation of children equipped with night vision and an overwhelming urge to scroll. One thing is for certain: the age of the glowing child is upon us.
