This article was part of Stargazer’s April 1, 2024 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.
Crowds of dedicated fans came together to cheer on the members of North’s Varsity Sleeping Team this past weekend as they competed at the annual IHSA State-level competitions, held at a Mattress Firm warehouse in Springfield.
North placed first overall thanks to multiple team members placing in the top three of their respective sleeping events. These events challenge the physical prowess and mental stamina of the most elite high school sleepers across Illinois.
Major events include upright sleeping, longest recorded sleep, sleep cycles, sleepwalking and doubles. Each event is designed to measure the awe-inspiring capabilities of these talented athletes.
Sophomore varsity sleeper Ethan Duckwall played a major role in North’s incredible win, placing first in both of his events: longest recorded sleep and sleep cycles.
“In sleep cycles, they track our sleep during a two hour period, and score us based on each stage of sleep and how long we stayed in those stages,” said Duckwall. “You get more points for the amount of time in deep sleep and REM, and less for stages like light sleep.”
Duckwall is an aficionado in deep sleeping, a talent he’s worked at for years.
“I love the longest recorded sleep event because I’ve worked so hard at achieving deep sleep for long periods of time,” said Duckwall. “I competed last year in the event but didn’t place, so it feels great to come back and win this year.”
North’s victory proved to be a captivating experience for the team’s numerous supporters.
“Sleeping competitions are always so entertaining to watch,” said one engaged bystander. “The pressure and high stakes are palpable. To watch North win was an experience of a lifetime.”
These athletes have been preparing and conditioning for State since the offseason, partaking in rigorous training in order to dominate the competition.
“We typically spend 2-3 hours sleeping, so our practices are always really physically and mentally draining,” said Duckwall. “So much goes into getting the team ready for the vicious competitions the season has in store for us.”
Carrying North to victory has been emotional for many of the members, who are now looking back on the progress they’ve made that ultimately led to their electrifying victory.
“I’ve been sleeping since I was a little kid, and it’s undoubtedly one of my favorite things to do. It means so much to me to win; it’s like a dream come true,” said Duckwall. “I’m so proud of how far I’ve come over the years.”
