Lynn Singh

Senior Tess Arendt has conveniently compiled a list of demands that must be met in order to earn her continued attendance.

Dear North administrators, teachers and other adult individuals who seem to care so deeply about me maintaining my attendance in the second semester of my senior year,

I appreciate your concerns, but since my acceptance to several distinguished universities across the country and the arrival of temperatures above 50 degrees, I have determined that my constant presence in this building is no longer necessary.

If you wish to persuade me from straying to a life of chronic absenteeism, I have a list of requests that must be met before our return from Spring Break. 

My demands are as follows:

Unblock Tubi on my school chromebook

My desire to stream the world’s most niche, tasteful collection of film during my math class instead of doing the assigned worksheet has been prohibited for far too long. 

Relieve my immense pushcoin cafeteria debt, and, better yet, grant me unlimited access to anything I want

It’s been four long, hard years of me spending my mom’s hard-earned money on reasonably-priced goodies, and this is the thanks I get? My unwavering loyalty deserves some sort of compensation.

Excuse me from gym class entirely

I’m almost 18 years old and I’m still taking the push-up test. Yes, I only did two. No, that has nothing to do with this request. 

Abolish the phone caddy

Self-explanatory.

Do not say to me “You should appreciate these last weeks. This is the last time in your life you’ll be stress-free”

I haven’t been stress free a day in my life. I came out of the womb stressed. I will die stressed. Do not suggest anything about my relative stress levels to me at any point in time. 

Allow me to leave my last class period ten minutes early 

Just to beat the parking lot traffic, of course. 

Stop using AI generated images

I’m tired of being haunted by AI generated posters and images of your faces in the hallways, on TV screens and in newsletters. Please enlist an art kid or basically any Canva-savvy person in the building for future advertisement purposes. 

Do not wake me up when I fall asleep in class

Be happy I’m there at all. 

Grade everything based on completion

See previous item.

Do not attempt to use any sort of Gen Z slang to make yourselves appear cooler

It’s not even bad in a funny way. It’s just bad. Trust me, I’m doing you a favor. 

Absolutely no more tests, essays, or major projects

I’ve been through enough already. Don’t you understand how hard my life is? This is the last thing I need. 

Fulfill the above requests for me and me only

It is imperative that my fellow classmates are not granted these same privileges. 

I am the only one deserving of this special treatment. 

While this concludes my current list, I expect any additional demands to be met at any point I wish. Do not try to negotiate my terms as these requests are final.

Thanks,

Tess