Natalie Hannah

This article was part of Stargazer’s March 28, 2025 satire print issue. Satire serves as an ironic or sarcastic commentary to draw attention to current issues and events. While quite humorous, stylistically competent, and perhaps based on real events, the stories in this issue are false.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): The person who told the group to play Mario Kart, lost, raged and then broke your family’s table. “So round two?”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You are one of the best matchmakers in town but cannot seem to get a lover yourself. You are willing to set a car on fire if someone accidentally stubbed your best friend’s toe on a door.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Dude. Compatriot. Bro-cha-cho. Drink some water, you overdue English paper. 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You always give so much to the people around you, consider picking up a hobby — consider knitting, journaling, alligator wrestling or 1973 lost novelty sock collecting.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): The love whisperer. Most likely to be the next Tom Cruise. Crying for the fifth time after watching Up.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You cannot always be perfect, but you know what can? 71 Mongolian gerbils.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Sweetie, it is time for you to say “no” for once in your life. You have two part-time jobs, seven pet raccoons, five club meetings, 13 birthday parties and 100 siblings to babysit after doing your 19 past-due assignments. You are not the scum of the earth being unable to help Chelsea move Saturday.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Sometimes you really can solve all your problems with a comically large stick of dynamite.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Maybe make your Virgo friend rethink buying that 72nd gerbil…

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Has been drinking over 16 caffeinated drinks of coffee and energy drinks with 45 minutes of sleep this entire week.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 19): Human incarnate of “I think I could do that” to “Imma do that.” Is the Lorax 2.0 with an Instagram account.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Reading in a fairy tale castle at sunset is not whimsical. That is called “breaking and entering.”